First Feeling of Worry

We had our 12-week check-up today -- something we were really excited about. We were anticipating seeing big changes in the baby's development on the ultrasound. Our very first visit at only 8 weeks showed the baby as a cute little blob of tissue, with a tiny flicker as the heartbeat. That was a precious moment for us.

Our precious (and alive!) blob of tissue! Can you see me?

Our second visit at 10 weeks showed a baby in the form of a gummy bear! You could see a well defined head and belly with little nubs as arms and feet. I think this is the visit we laughed the most at. I wish we had a recording of it, but the best part was watching our little "gummy bear" wave his/her little nubs energetically on the monitor. It was just too darn cute!

Our upside-down gummy bear swimming around at 8 weeks. Wee!

This time, the nurse started us out with a doppler just so that we could hear the heartbeat. It used the same instrument as an ultrasound, but it was connected to a small machine with a speaker. She searched  around for a good few minutes, and with each move of the wand, we were getting a little more nervous. An and I are both generally calm people in stressful environments, so we contained ourselves well... that, and we hold on tightly to our faith in God. While I was laying there, I silently prayed and muttered proclamations of life and fruition, and I could tell An was doing the same. I thank God for a man of faith. He keeps me balanced and brave.

After a few minutes, the nurse gave up, but calmly mentioned she's going to go out and grab the ultrasound machine. Like the good soul she is, she cheerfully talked about how great the new machine is, with its ability to show life-like images, and how she's still trying to get used to it since it's so new. Haha, this really made me happy. Though I didn't have much to say in response, she definitely put a smile on my face.

Our physician's assistant, who we are well acquainted and very comfortable with, shows up and performs the ultrasound for us just to make sure nothing is missed. Sure enough, just as God willed it, our precious baby's up on that screen, more alive than ever -- twisting and turning, waving his/her arms and just having a ball! They measured the heart rate then, and in the words of our PA, "161... beautiful." She continued to point out 5 fingers on one hand, the spine, the feet and tiny little legs, and of course, the alien-like head. (She didn't fail to mention it looked like an alien, either, haha!) At the end of the session, she said, "Sorry for the little scare," which slightly surprised me, considering I thought we did a great job of remaining calm, but I figured she understood well what exactly was going through our minds when the heartbeat couldn't be detected. Here's the video of a portion of our session, below.

So I guess that moment gave us a glimpse of what it feels like when we worry for the life of our child. It wasn't a big deal, but it was definitely a first for us. I'm sure every parent can describe this moment differently, but this is my account. Though it was so short-lived, it was like an intense roller-coaster ride within a 5-minute duration. Our hearts sank with worry for the worst, but they lifted up once again as we remind ourselves of our faith in knowing our God has a purpose for everything... and then they sink again as the fear of reality grabs a hold of us once again, but then right back up it goes when we remember we have the almighty Prince of Peace to lean on.

Turns out, the heart beat couldn't be detected with the doppler just yet because I'm still too small at this stage in the pregnancy... which, to be honest, I'm actually thankful for! If you know me, I'm a super petite gal... so most likely (and hopefully), I give birth birth to a not-so-big baby as well! ;)